Persistence of Butterflies (part 3)

2026

Back in 2007 I began to paint butterflies, inspired by the amazing book "Butterfly" by photographer Thomas Marent.

2026

I began mostly because my brother, Glenn, was on life support (he has since passed away). The Butterfly is such a perfect and literal symbol of ultimate transformation, from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis to beautiful ephemeral flying creature - a living work of art, each one. The little paintings were a kind of prayer for my brother, and I vowed to make at least one each year. I've more or less been true to that, and I have quite a collection now of butterflies over my door!

Which, now that I think about it, is another fitting metaphor. Lately, with everything going on, I have the compulsion to make lots of butterflies, here's a few new ones.

2026

Butterflies

Here is a whole series of paintings (they're small and displayed all together) that I totally forgot about, even though I look at them every single day, because they are mounted in my living room wall.    I have a wonderful book,  BUTTERFLY, the photographs of  Thomas Marent, which I bought in 2008.  It is one of those rare books I keep on a table to look at when I need an eyeful of wonder and beauty.  My little paintings are from that book......each one is really a meditation on Mr. Marent's photo,  forcing me to really see them.  

I first began painting the butterflies for my brother, who was in a coma for over 6 years before he died.......the metaphor of the butterfly, the transformation of the soul, was important.  Now I just enjoy them for myself, although the metaphor, and the living truth of such amazing creatures.....is more important than ever.

 

Paintings from "Shamanic" Series

A long time ago I had a dream about a man who offered me fire.   In fact, I had the dream twice, and although I never fully understood it, I remember the dream still.   It is a beautiful metaphor for love, for courtship, for sacred sexuality, for a longing I must have felt then for being offered all of those things.

I rediscovered this painting in the process of looking through my files (I seem to be engaged very much in contemplation of my life these days).  I always loved it, never showed it, don't remember anyone ever saying anything about it to me, and finally it was destroyed, as so many of my paintings were.  It is hard to have opportunities to share paintings, and it is hard to store paintings, especially when they come off the canvases.  I am sad that it's lost, but glad that I have the image still.

I remember when I painted it, during a magnificent, magical residency at the (now defunct) Cummington Community, in Western Massachusetts, not far from where Emily Dickenson lived.  It was 1989, and I was reading Journey of the Wounded Healer by Joan Halifax, and was very much thinking about the way shamans and healers find their callings.  All of the paintings I did then were based on the concept of the Shamanic journey, and on my dreams.  The painting below was called "Fire Heart".  Now that I think about it, all of the paintings were also about Fire.  Which has always been my friend, and my Element.

Lost Art.................

"Gaia" (1987)

 A lot of my body of work over the years has been lost or destroyed, and what I retain are photos. Lately I've felt like it's time to digitize some of those paintings or masks, to preserve them in someway.   Just felt  like posting a few of the "Lost" here..................many of them I have no idea where they went.  But perhaps this post is a way of honoring them because I put so much work and intent into each one, and it makes me sad that too much moving around, no storage, lack of self esteem and hence respect for my own work, and sometimes the intentional destruction by a hostile family member......wasted them.  But I'm glad that I have the photos at least!

The painting above was 9 feet by 4 feet, and was destroyed, as big paintings so often are, when there is no space to store or exhibit them.  I worked so hard on that painting!  I showed it only once, as  part of my mid course MFA Show, it was accompanied by a spoken word musical
 piece called "When the Word for World Was Mother".  I was very influenced then by the writings of  Starhawk in The Spiral Dance , which ultimately led me into Pagan theology and community.  Years later I would move to Berkeley, and end up renting a room from a woman who was one of the founders of Reclaiming Collective, Judy Foster.  Because of Judy, I found myself working with Starhawk, her colleague Macha Nightmare, and Reclaiming on the 20th Annual Spiral Dance in San Francisco. The Masks of the Goddess Collection would be made for that event, and the first time they were performed.

"The Magician - Art" (1994)

From the Rainbow Bridge Oracle, a Tarot deck I created more or less in the early 90's.  Another life size oil painting, this time representing the Magician Tarot Card.  Once it was taken off the stretchers to store, it was all over for the painting.  I stopped doing big paintings after that!  I envisioned the Magician invoking  the white light of the Divine, the unified force, running it through his mind and heart with the power of his intention, and then manifesting on this plane of being the colors of the Rainbow spectrum, which is earthly life in all of its diversity.  I used my then husband, Duncan, as the model, and I still feel it was very successful, getting across the concept I wanted to express about Art and Creation = Magic, as well as a pretty good portrait of him.  It was also a way of honoring Duncan, but a bitter ending to the relationship never allowed me to let him know that.

"The Goddess" (1982)

I painted this when I was living in Putney, Vermont, and it was based on photos I had by a friend from my earlier life in Berkeley, the artist John Hincks.  I have used the photo in my Rainbow Bridge Oracle Deck, but the painting.......I have no idea where it went.  I must have given it to someone when I left Vermont to move to Arizona for Graduate School?  I learned to poo poo this painting as "pretty and decorative" once I got into Graduate School, where, in the 80's, and still so I believe, paintings must be political, shocking, intellectually obscure to prove they are "sophisticated", or best of all, dark enough in style and content to be "Meaningful".   Now retired, I can make beautiful paintings that please me freely, and the heck with the "high" art world's ugly aesthetics!  But I wish I'd kept this painting.................

"The Empress" (1976)

One of the early Tarot paintings I did in the 70's when I lived in Berkeley.  I look back at them and they were rather beautiful, if clumsy.  This one was from a photo I took of a woman who lived in the warehouse/artist's studio building I lived in in Berkeley (there are pretty much no longer any such thing in Berkeley now thanks to gentrification).  I had to take it off the stretchers, where it was rolled up with a bunch of large early paintings.  I am saddened to say that I actually threw this painting away into a dumpster at a storage facility.  More of the self hate I learned somewhere along the way.  Someone somewhere might have enjoyed the painting.  I like to hope someone saw the paintings in the dumpster and rescued them.  A bad time in my life.

"Lilith" (1992)

This one I really like, one of several paintings I did one long winter in 1993, when I lived in New York, using pieces of cut paper to frame the paintings.  Always meant to continue the series but never did.  This one I realize is not lost, but I sent it to the founder of the Lilith Institute in California, so it found a home! Huzzah!  She even framed it!

untitled (1973?)

I hauled this large painting around for years until, I believe, off the stretchers, it ended up in a dumpster in a storage facility.  Once again, I'm sorry that I had so little respect for my work.  

Someone might have enjoyed having this Elfin, Fey man.

"Day of Radience" (1986)

One of the "New Age" paintings I did in Grad School when I was not only going to Grad School but also working with a group of artist friends while we explored some of the spiritual modalities enthusiastically available in the 80's, including past life regression.  Alas, the painting is long gone who knows where, as are also those friends (except for one:  glad you are still around Madeleine!)

"The High Priestess" (1975)

Another of the life size large oil paintings I did when I lived in Berkeley, meant to be for the Tarot.  Probably this painting, taken off the canvas and hauled around for years in a roll of canvases, ended up in the dumpster at a storage facility when I was unable to continue to keep the storage chamber.  I am ashamed of that, because it was a beautiful painting of my friend the poet Felicia Miller, and I labored long and hard on it, and I should have valued it.  At least I have a record of it.

"Three Roots of the Tree of Life" (1987)

Part of a 3 part shrine I made as I became involved in Paganism in the early 80's - they were meant to represent the cycles of generation, reproduction, death and rebirth.  I used to store my art in a closet in my mother's home - unfortunately my mentally ill brother destroyed it while I was gone.  I stopped leaving any of my art at my mother's house after that.  Once again, I forget how many of my paintings are "rooted".

"A House of Doors III" (1987)

From my MFA Show, "A House of Doors", which also included a spoken word/musical piece inspired by Laurie Anderson called "A House of Doors".  This painting, I believe, was destroyed by my brother, because it disappeared from my mother's house.

"Lovers" (1989)

A strange painting, but I really liked it, although it is very clumsy in its composition.  In the summer of 1989 I had a wonderful, magical residency at the Cummington Community in Western Massachusetts.  For a month, surrounded by artists and writers and musicians in this (alas, now defunct) old artist's community, I was on fire creatively!  And somewhat literally too, as the whole series of paintings I did then involved transformation and shamanic fire.  I never showed any of them, to anyone, now that I think of it, but I guess I called them "The Shamanic Journey".  This one came from a dream in which a man offered me fire.  No idea where it went, but I think it was destroyed.

"A House of Doors" (1987)

Title painting for my MFA Show, a big painting about 5 by 4.  Later I used the image in my Tarot deck for "The Chariot", as it represents envisioning where we want to go, and spiritual progress.  I love the image, which used a photo of  Catherine Nash, an extraordinary  artist I knew in Graduate School.  I do remember that this one fell off the wall and right through a chair, so it was destroyed.

"Day of Radience II" (1987)

Another version of this image from the 80's................I did lithos using it too.  Part of the "A House of Doors" series.

"Guide" (1984)

From the time of High New Age, an envisioning Higher and Lower Self communing.  No idea where it went.  

"Hecate" (1997)

This was an image that came to me when I was working on the Tarot paintings, the original (which I do have) became "The Hermit - Solitude".  I felt that when we go through the dark times, the dark tunnels of our lives internally and externally, when we find our way out of those tunnels, out of the dark, we have a responsibility, or an opportunity, to "bear a light" for others to illuminate their paths.  This can also translate into the meaning of Hecate, who guided Persephone out of the Underworld.  She is  the Goddess of the Crossroads who stands with her torch to light the way.  It was a painting on paper,  and I used myself as the model, hoping I think to invoke the guidance I profoundly needed at that particular,  very difficult,   time in my life.

"Transformation" (1989)

This  was the last of my  "Shamanic Journey" paintings from my intense month at the  Cummington Community, and I've always loved it, although no one else seems to like it as they seem to feel it is gruesome, or represents some kind of anti-abortion statement!  Hardly!  But not wishing to alarm those who came to visit me, I took it off my walls long ago and it seems to have disappeared.   Yes, Stanley Kubrick used the fetus for his "Space Child" so I guess it's a cliche.  But what I was talking about is the incubation and birth into a new state of elevated being..............the child, the soul, is wrapped in the fire of transformation.  For me it's a deeply spiritual statement and I wish I had it still.  But I  seem to be the only one who thinks so! 

Untitled (1977)

This one I gave to a friend in Vermont - we fell out of touch, and I learned about 10 years ago that he had died.  I used the photo of it in my Tarot deck for "The Fool", as it represented to me the Innocense that makes so much "impossible" possible!

Silly Paintngs

I can think of nothing profound today to note in my Blog (well, there is so much profound going on all around me that, in truth, I am speechless)..........so I'm just going to post a couple of my experiments.  I'm trying to find my way back to painting,  braving the blank faces of all these canvases I've collected.  Wow, I am rusty.  So I've just been making silly paintings, and not worrying about whether they are good or not or have any "meaning".  But here's a few I find I like anyway.  

It is good to find my friendship with paint again!  I have so many old paintings that have either been destroyed, lost, mostly given away, or sit in a dusty closet...............I think I shall review them and make their aquaintance again.

Painting is the most challenging art to me, and those who master it are truly remarkable people.  It's also very sad that art in general is not valued, and particularly now painting is a doomed end for most people who do it.   People only value paintings if they end up in some kind of museum or gallery that says "they have value", and reduce the aesthetic experience to a dollar sign instead of a window into another world................... I think, to honor my "lost children" my next post will be all the paintings I've done  and have a record of that were destroyed or lost.  

Fire Art..............

Going through my old files, I seem to have done quite a few paintings over the years about............Fire!  These are all paintings I really have never shown, most them lost by now as well.  Most of them were done in the month I was at the Cummington Community, in western Massachusetts, for a month, my very first artist's colony residency.  That was 1989, and it was such a magical month, the images just poured out of me, each morning I woke up with another one of them.  I believe they were about..........transformation, transformation of consciousness, of communion, of form, the element of fire representing all of those things.   Some of them seem strange to me now, clumsey, some of them I still like.  I don't really know what to say about them now, except that I wanted to just share them, finally, after all these years.    

Old Paintings, Dreams and Musings

It's 4:00 in the morning, which is always a spare, silent, beautiful and lonely hour to find oneself.  A dream woke me up.*   Long experience has taught me that trying to go back to sleep at such an hour is futile and frustrating, better to pad around the house, let the mind discover what it will.  4:00 is a potent hour.  One of the things I rambled into was the memory garden of  forgotten paintings.

The painting above I did as part of a series that just burned out of me one magical summer while I was at the (now extinct) Cummington Community in western Massachusetts.   I was reading "Shaman:  The Journey of the Wounded Healer" by Joan Halifax.  I never showed them.  They represented transformation of consciousness, with fire being the medium or symbol of transformation.   In some, the figure confronts the flame with terror, the burning away of the old self, in others there is the infant representing rebirth, new birth.  The "Fire Dancer" I love still, ecstasy, learning to dance with the fire, to "be" the fire.

And the one above, I think I called it "the Sacred Marriage" or "Anima and Animus" (but I don't actually remember what I called it) - there the woman is offered the creative fire by the man.   I don't know why I dream of weddings, or remember this painting, but both are about "joining with" and being "ignited by" something, a good sign.  Who, or what, am I about to "marry"?  

 *Strange dream.  I dreamed I was planning a second wedding to my ex-husband, Duncan.  The dream was full of the details and running around I remember from when we actually did get married in 1993, a full-blown Pagan wedding on our land in upstate New York.  Such a wonderful community of people, a beautiful gathering.   I remember also  that I was so stressed with organizing and controlling everything for the wedding that I had very  little ability to actually enjoy the wedding itself.  I was up late into that night cleaning up, and preparing a ritual for the Solstice the following morning.  I went to bed alone worrying about all that needed to be done, while Duncan hung out enjoying the company of his friends.  In retrospect, so many of the things I've done I've not been able to just enjoy, be present for, appreciate.   Duncan and I were divorced in 1997, and I haven't seen him since then.  I suppose I've always wished we could have resolved into friends, but that did not happen.

So in this dream of  a second wedding I said "This time we'll do it your way", which it seemed was a kind of apology, a recognition of having learned something in the years since.  I don't know what this dream means, except that preparing for a wedding, and giving up "the way I did things before" is a good sign.  I need to see what this dream reveals. 

I remember that I had a hard time letting go of the marriage, letting go of the dreams I had,  and the community we actually created together.  We were a good creative team in many ways.  When I left New York I went through a period of grieving, which was what I needed in order to release and to grow internally in order to go forward and create a new life.  That grieving was a kind of emptying out, and I understand the significance of allowing the grieving process.  But I remember a dream I had at that time - I was in a kind of empty apartment in some Eastern city, perhaps New York.  Just a few chairs, and a window with a night time view of the city.  Duncan turned up, and we had a warm, friendly talk in which he told me that he was with someone else now.  And after that, it was much easier to just move on.